Panic! At the YMCA

I think, for the sake of personal growth, it is important to do things that freak you out all the way down to your core. And in order to do that, sometimes I have to do that thing pretty much the second I think of it or I know without a doubt I will talk myself out of it. So naturally, when I woke up this morning thinking about the things I did yesterday, I had a moment of utter “what have I done!?” kind of panic at the thought that I not only started a blog yesterday (for the second time) but also signed up food an account on a freelance job-bidding site (for the second time) AND went ahead and sent invites to about half of my Facebook friends to follow and read said blog! Come on, guys, everyone knows that you’re not supposed to share a goal with anyone until that goal is halfway to achieved, right? Because you have to prove that you can do it before you can let people know that you have even tried. I sit back on the world’s most uncomfortable stationery bike, waiting for spin class to begin, and wonder how we got to this place in the world, in society, where it’s not okay to be an adult AND be a beginner at something. By the time we are 30, we’re supposed to have already started working on everything we will ever want to accomplish, right? And even though I’m not a “beginner” at writing, per se, and have already written a lot and even published before – this feels very much like a beginning. Here I am, starting at square one (again) – thinking “oh my God, WHY did I send those Facebook invites to everyone!? Everyone is going to make fun of me. Everyone is going to judge me. Everyone is going to think this is futile, this is a pipe dream, that I’m stupid, that I don’t have anything to say… WHO DO I THINK I AM!? The list of negativity that I am certain “everyone” will spew at me is endless. (Yep- you got me… I do care what people think). And yet… 100% of the negativity I am feeling about this right now is internal. And 100% of the few people that I have shared my vision with have been nothing but supportive.

(Llama help you out there and point out where you’re wrong…)

I say all of that to say that sharing with others is not a strong point of mine. Especially when it comes to goals and ambition, because what if I don’t make it? What if I sit here and say “I want to be a published author, I want to write a NY Times Best Seller and have an allstar cast act out my vision on film, I want to be an artist and have gallery openings, I want to have a social platform where I can make a difference in people’s lives…” What if I sit here and call all my shots and none of it ever happens? What an embarrassment I will be to my husband and my family and everyone who tried to support me. I should just go to work everyday, do my job, keep my head down, go home, eat dinner, watch TV, pet the dog and go to bed. I should live my life in such a way that there is no risk of failing. But which is REALLY the bigger failure? To aim high and fall short of my wildest dreams? Or to aim for nothing? I have to constantly remind myself that if I aim “unrealistically” high and give it my best effort, I will still land somewhere light-years ahead of where I would land aiming for mediocrity. So… I’m going to keep doing things that freak me out to my very core, that have me waking up in a panic at 4am, that have me questioning myself, because that is how I know that my compass is pointing true North. When I am afraid of failing, I know that I am doing something worth while.

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